ok so my left lung near the bottom has been hurting for a while and i've continued vaping and smoking regardless (genius!), and i have a flight tomorrow and google was useless but deepseek (sorry) said there was a chance it's pneumothorax which can be deadly with altitude changes (flying)
now i know i have insanely bad anxiety and i also know that i got 2 ecg's, a chest x-ray, and a chest mri a while ago and they said everything was fine so i shouldn't have a reason to worry but it's been a while and things might've got worse, and i am in a very high risk group for this to happen (tall!)
so i am kind of writing this just in case i die on the plane or something
i have tried writing a suicide note many times but this doesn't feel like that, but the evil pit inside my stomach is saying something could happen on the flight (and if i ignore that gut feeling is it somewhat a suicide? errrr we'll see)
it could also be the concerta i had before, apparently it's terrible for people with anxiety (hi lol)
for if i die
anyways worst comes to worst i love you all, take advantage of your time, keep making things!! life is pointless without art!! i wish i could've seen what you'd all go and do because you're all so brilliant, i'm infinitely lucky to have met all of you (yes, you)
please don't give up
here are some things i started making that i never finished
it almost feels like a weak pathetic 'i was here !!'
but hey, i was here!!
this is nothing right now but i really wanted to explore more collage in
3d space things, and just building little stories or connections between
objects
i realised this year that i really really love cute things, though maybe i think
too many things are cute, i really like the piece of firewood with the two antennae
poking out the top
there's so much more that i want to put here but i don't have time, but my god the amount of little tests and prototypes and experiments i'd love to collate here
i was making this prototype for a 3d pigeon game where you fly around a city, that would be fun to show
unfortunately strapped for time but so many little things, if i genuinely do die i'll leave my passwords along with the note to find this page so that if anyone wants to dig through my stuff they can
i hope that's not too egocentric but i sure as hell know if one of my friends died and let me go through their computer i'd love to see all the projects and ideas they'd been working on but never shown the world
for if i live
okay so your lung didn't deflate on the plane and your heart didn't get squeezed into your lung cavity and you didn't die, GREAT!
you have the modelling shots done so now SEND THEM OUT INTO THE WORLD!!!
what ur interested in right now with sculpture simply requires lots and
lots of stuff and then you start playing with composition and alteration
and deconstruction and reconstruction
also trying to incorporate
sound somehow is definitely worth testing
continue figuring out how you exist mentally and emotionally and how to better exist with the people around you
get better at finishing projects! you've started so much and yet no one can see it
- woodworking
- photography
- video
- modelling
- programming
- game making
- audio production
- steel fabricating
- casting
- playing yo instruments
- electronics
- 3d modelling
- animation
- sewing
- designing
- tailoring
- many others
there are so many skills and projects to care about! now do some!
for anyone else reading this
ok so either you found the note in my room or you just happened upon this page, idk really what to say to you but hiii helloooo hi
i wish this was longer and better written and i talked about more and put more audio and pictures and videos and and and and and my flight is in a few hours and i haven't slept yet
byeeeee!!!